I've never had a real boyfriend. No one to ever awkwardly pick me up from me house on our first date. In high school I was never asked to prom. I've actually never been on a date either, so that means never getting all cutesy, then having your date pick you up and he also brings you flowers etc.
Story Time
It's time to get up close and personal.
"So there's this boy." This is the phrase that is equivalent to "once upon a time" in my little slice of hectic heaven.
There's this boy and I can't seem to get him out of my head. My friends don't see what's so special about him. I used to be able to describe to them what made him, him, but I'm not so sure anymore.
Five months ago he had me wrapped around his finger. I was tightly fastened into the roller coaster of his choice. We would go round and round, up and down. It wasn't all his fault though, I had many chances to get off the ride, but I couldn't seem to figure out how to unbuckle the seat belt.
So today I feel the after affects of a one sided relationship (I have a chronic issue of liking guys who don't like me back). So currently I'm battling my leftover feelings and new feelings of jealousy.
My biggest issue is trying to figure out how to maneuver our friendship. I'm also questioning if our friendship is even real, because for our entire "friendship" I liked him, so I was never able to gain solely platonic feelings towards him. And to him I was always "the girl who liked him." Currently it feels like our friendship is even one sided too, I mean what exactly are the requirements of a friend? Should I constantly have to hold him accountable? I know some relationships need work and effort to continue on, but when should you stop trying? When is it not worth it anymore?
So now I'm deciding whether or not to end our friendship, and if I do decide to end it do I: tell him I want to end our friendship and have us get into a big conversation or do I ignore him until my feelings dwindle away then try to be friends? But the biggest question is: do I tell him how I feel?
It terrifies me to think about letting him know what my feelings are, because I know he won't feel the same way. But will the pain of rejection at this current moment be greater than the pain of regret I could feel 1,2, or 5 years down the road because I never told him how I felt?
Now since my life really should be a lifetime movie, or a mini reality show on HBO, I must inform you that there is one last factor to my equation. Thanks to an anonymous source I know that he likes someone else. Apparently he fancies her a lot. And this she is not me. When I found this out my heart broke all over again for the 50th time. I was in a numb pile of shambles. I was learning to cope with him not liking me, but I'm no where near ready to see him be with anyone else. My sadness soon turned into anger and frustration and now it's simply "I hope to avoid him and never see him on campus" and so far I haven't seen him since this news was dropped. Thank God.
Part of me wants to be very confident and be like "yeah you might like her, but I'm Ciarra, hear me roar!" Yet the fear of rejection is literally consuming my entire body. I guess I have to face rejection more in order to overcome my fear, but must I overcome it today?
The funniest part of this entire blog post is that I'm not even sure why I like this guy. He hasn't done anything to positively change my life for the better. Literally nothing. But here I am, still pining over a guy who hasn't given a damn about me.
I know this blog is public and that he who shall not be named might see it, but I'm not worried, because I know he won't, he doesn't care about me enough to look at what I care about.
I'm quite perplexed and anxious so please give me any advice you have, because my little slice of heaven is cloudy this week.
xoxo
Ciarra
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